Abbey in the Oakwood
Caspar David Friedrich
1810
oil on canvas
Anxiety is a fixture in my life that haunts me, consumes me, and paralyzes me. I am diagnosed by my psychiatrist with an anxiety disorder. This means that unlike the regular person I am predisposed to anxiety and i feel it more often, much deeper and stronger. It looms above me and leaves me terrified and at the worst times delirious with fear. Anxiety magnifies all my fears and convinces me that everything in my life will go wrong, it makes me constantly feel that i am in a state of impending doom and things are about to get worse.
My biggest fear is losing my only family left which are my grandparents or losing my friends, failing at school and life, being alone, and a large number of many other things that leave me incredibly worried and scared. As much as i want to be stable and okay, it's something that I have no control over. I am helpless when it attacks. When the fear takes over all I can do is curl into a ball and cry until i fall asleep and it crawls back and hides to the back of my mind giving me temporary relief, coming out again when it wants to.
Having crippling anxiety is like being held in knife point, like it's just right there beside me and any time it's ready to plunge in and stab me until im filled with terror. When I get an anxiety attack I am completely helpless unable to see the light and surrounded by nothing but darkness. It really messes with my mind and I feel like I have no power over it and i choke while crying thinking of all the terrifying things that consume my mind.
To this day I haven't figured out how to handle it or found a solution for my anxiety- I get advice from my doctor to meditate but it's difficult when you're frozen. I take medication, Sertraline and Risperidone, to keep the anxiety and depression a bit more manageable and less intense but their effects can only go so far.
I hike, swim, play games, and do different activities to keep my mind off the scary things, I attempt to calm myself down and distract myself but it's still there like a monster always hovering sinisterly above me, seeping in and distorting my mind. I don't know if anxiety disorder can disappear or go away but I hope one day i'd be able to overcome it and learn how to manage it better, for now I have to do my best not to be completely consumed and controlled by fear and despair. I have to hold on and keep my hope and willpower strong like a blue and green lantern. But in all honesty almost all the time im so scared so so scared of everything, of whats happening and what might happen.