Monk By the Sea
Caspar David Friedrich
1810
oil on canvas
There is only a single upside I see with having depression, it is my lessened fear of death. Having experienced failed suicide attempts in the past and having strong suicidal tendencies has really changed how I see death. Right now, I'm stable and I haven't had those thoughts and tendencies for almost a year now. I'm alright with my life right now but if ever it ends at anytime I'm not scared or worried. If it's my time to go then I'm ready whenever, wherever. This is a very dark thought and if ever someone did attempt to kill me at least i wouldn't have to do it on my own anymore. I do hope that it wouldn't be slow and painful I'm scared of the pain but not death.
I don't believe in the afterlife, heaven, or any of those things. I see death as nothingness, we end up being decomposed and turned into nutrients for the earth. It all ends. No soul or spirit. You feel sleepy then drift off into nothingness. You probably won't even realize it's nothingness since your organs stop functioning and consciousness stops. This is how I believe it will go but if scientific evidence of the afterlife gets proven then I would consider that instead.
In Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot he says that, "..it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.” Since we only have this one life to live, we should make it worthwhile instead of worrying about the afterlife. I'm okay with death since I have very few regrets, I think I did what I could and accomplished what I can in this life, even if it isn't much.
I have never really seen myself as someone that matters. The people I would leave behind would probably be momentarily sad but I think it wouldn't be a significant loss. I feel that I don't impact people's lives that greatly nor do I contribute much to the world and it's fine. The only persons in my life I could think of who truly cares for me enough to be affected by my loss are my grandparents. They're also the only ones I would never want to leave behind. So long as they live at least I have the will to live since I know someone cares for me and matters to me.
I'm not scared to lose my life but that doesn't mean I'll live recklessly and put myself into immediate harm or hurt myself anymore. I'd do my best to maintain my health, keep safe, and all that stuff but if something happens beyond my control, I'll accept death as it approaches me. Living is nice but death is okay too. I just hope it isn't painful and slow. I'd like it to end like I'm drifting away and slowly falling asleep.
Happy Halloween!