2017
“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you 'cause I find it hard to take” -Mad World (1983) by Tears for Fears
Before I write this I just want to make it clear that as of this moment I am in no way harming myself nor am I placing myself in any danger that might be a risk to my life. I simply want to express my feelings and personal experience with dark thoughts. For a long as I remember my life has always been turbulent especially my childhood. This won’t be the post where I highlight or tell the story of how terrifying and sad it was for me as a child, but the story of how certain feelings have always accompanied me. As a kid I remember always asking myself, “why was I even born. I wish I never existed.” Most times I would say it in a sad way and sometimes even angry. Angry at myself for being there and angry at my parents for passing on too early leaving me behind, all alone.
I grew up carrying that sadness and anger inside of me. I felt undeserving of life and always wished I would stop existing. As the years passed this voice grew louder and louder and warped into not just wishing but wanting. I wanted to die. As a teenager, life was confusing and I was lost. I was convinced that I was never going to be happy and bottled up my emotions and let my anger and fear get the best of me.
It was a very dark and hopeless place and I’ve always felt like I was on my own. When I went off for college that was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” as they say. I was more alone than ever and surrounded by so much stress. The despair was too much to handle that I tried to take my own life and ended up hospitalized because of it. I did my best to keep that quiet especially to relatives and it was only years later that my grandparents found out. After that event, was the time when I was forced to finally seek help.
Seeking help was the first step I took to get better. My initial sessions involved just hours of me crying unable to express myself properly at all. I did my best to heal and I ended up improving a whole lot. Although I got better, the voices were still there. No matter how much I laughed or felt happy the dark and suicidal thoughts were always there whispering at me telling me I didn’t deserve my happiness and that I would be better off dead. It always haunts me in my head. Some days it hides at the back but most days it’s louder than ever. I feel like it’ll never go away no matter how hard I try.
In the present day the voice is still there smaller yet still lurking at the back of my head. As the song goes, “The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had”. Most days I feel that the best solution would be death to finally give myself the peace I’ve always wanted. Directionless and purposeless, the path ahead of me is pitch black and I have no idea where it will take me and I find it terrifying. In the deepest and darkest parts of my thoughts, all I really want is to simply stop existing.
Days still exist when the anxiety gets really bad and the depression hits, the scary things resurface and the darkness envelops me again. The horrible intrusive thoughts are always there always there. The meds and therapy help keep it at bay for now and I’m thankful for that but someday I wish that it’ll truly go away and stop haunting me and I’ll be free.