Finally got around to a book entitled "Adult ADHD" by Michele Novotni, Thomas A. Whiteman and I deeply appreciate how they made it easy to understand. Living with ADHD from childhood until adulthood is honestly really difficult.
My entire academic life was a mess. From grade school, high school, to college - my grades were terrible and I could barely even finish exams or focus in class properly. I would zone out or fall asleep or just not be able to listen completely. It made me feel like I was stupid for not understanding well enough and lazy for not “trying harder”.
No matter how “hard” I tried I always had a difficulty learning and acquiring skills especially technical ones. It always felt like my best was never good enough in comparison to those who were “normal”.
I’m good at what they call “fake it til you make it” so it may seem like I’m good at accomplishing some things but it takes literally both of my 2 brain cells and A LOT of time just to accomplish the most basic of tasks.
Comorbid diagnosis with depression, anxiety, and also body pain (back pain, lethargy, etc) I’m just really good at hiding that I’m having a difficult time by doing extra effort than regular and rarely complaining.
I know ADHD isn’t an excuse for my shortcomings and failures but I really am doing my best in what I do. being unable to do everything and being perceived as “very lazy” by people especially family is what makes me feel deep pain. Expectations for me to be “normal” because of what I can do despite my condition makes me have to go the extra mile without breaks.
It’s hard to breathe and just relax when every moment my brain is bombarded with so many things all the time and mentally + physically having to do so many things easily tires me out with my perpetual lethargy and slow brain loading.
ADHD can be okay sometimes because during hyper focus I can do so much and there are times when I have so many creative ideas, projects, thoughts, dreams, etc that I get to apply to my hobbies and work.
ADHD medication works WONDERS and makes me feel like the fog in my brain has been lifted but it’s very very expensive and I can’t afford it on a daily or even weekly basis so I stopped it. As much as it was helping me so much, it’s financially out of reach. Imagine PHP9000 and above per bottle of around 30pcs and that’s just too much for me along with my depression and anxiety medication it would cost so much.
I’m not complaining of the work to be done. in fact, I enjoy most of the projects I choose but it’s just that I’m stretched to my limit juggling work, what makes me happy - like my organizations, and with the DREADED housework and chores that really make my back hurt. And being called “lazy” for not being able to do all those well all the time demotivates me and makes me even more depressed.
It’s hard pretending to be “normal” and living to the expectations of “normal” people. Just like the quote I saw, “Just because someone carries it well, does not mean it isn’t heavy.”
I’m not looking to be treated in a special way by being given special treatment or treated differently because of my disabilities but all I really hope for is to be understood and appreciated for all the difficult things I really do my best for, even if sometimes it’s not good enough for other people’s standards or expectations.